10/7/2014

I had a dream last night that I was nominated for and accepted to be on one of those makeover reality TV shows.

If you're unfamiliar with what I'm talking about, these shows operate something like this... A person has what some people might like to refer to as "bad taste in clothing" (this can translate to "wears her daughter's clothes", "wears ill-fitting clothes" and "wears outdated clothes"). As a result of the individual's bad taste, a close friend or relative - or combination thereof - will nominate this person to get a "charitable" makeover by a TV show. In some way, shape or form, the relatives/friends gather video footage of the person's indiscretions. They will then use this video footage to essentially shame the person into accepting what is supposed to be a kind gesture.

"Let us fix you."

Cue resistance and restrictions and unwanted fashion guidance. The episode ends with the ultimate reveal. The individual walks out from behind a curtain, the audience gasps, you see before and after pictures. Tears, happy story, the husband can have sex with this woman again, blablabla.

In my dream, I'm at work and getting ready to give a presentation to clients in a conference room. The people from the TV show burst in, hand out a few gift bags to my associates, and then begin the shaming process. Among various other pieces of "found footage" of me looking like I woke up on the wrong side of my coffee in the morning, they used video of the day I was let go from my job. I was so kindly described by a person who claimed to be my friend and the lady with too much makeup on that hosted the show. "Chubby", "post-breakup face", "Is that a bagel you're eating? With CREAM CHEESE?!", "drab", "You have such potential", "We already have some ideas for your new looks".

And that was it.

If that's not an absolutely CRUEL subconscious self evaluation, I'm not really sure what else to call it.



Side note: I won't bother titling my posts anymore. I'm honestly not that creative.

Since last I wrote... (vol2)

• Got fired from Big Girl Job #2.

I gotta be honest. I'm really not taking this as well as I should be. But...

I. Loved. That. Job.

The short of it is that "[They] can't afford to keep someone in [my] position full-time. [They] feel that [my] skills are being far underutilized and that [I] would be better off at another job where [my] skills have room to grow."

Here's what you need to know about where I was working. It is a start-up media company that has shifted focus from its own events to the planning, management and organization of events hosted, owned and sponsored by other institutions, organizations and companies. My role as a Conference Coordinator there included quite a large amount of work, and as time progressed, I realized that I was busier closer to showtime than I was a few months prior to an event.

I understand their reasoning for letting me go. For them, it makes sense both financially and for the organization. Easily, they can contract that work out for far less money.

My concern is based around a number of things...

1. I was with the company just over a year. When I first started out, I was Director of Content Development (meaning that I wrote articles, coordinated articles with freelance and contributing writers, developed website content, etc. etc.). This role is editorial-based, but once the Show Management part of the company started filling in, we realized that that part of my job needed to be put on a back-burner so that I could help our Director of Conferences with her workflow. Because of being let go and because of the transition from Director of Content Development to Conference Coordinator, I have far less experience in both areas of work. Once I started in my Conference Coordinator role and was working closely with my supervisor, I realized how stimulating the Show Management side of the business was and made a tentative decision that I would continue this work whether I left the company at some point in the future or not. I now only have roughly nine months of experience with Show Management work under my belt. The problem I see here is that those skills that were being underutilized are going to continue being underutilized in another company if I want to continue the type of work I had become interested in. I will end up doing the exact same things I was doing, just in a different office and under the supervision of a different person. But hey. At least they'll be able to afford me....right?
2. I'm concerned that the person/persons who the company will contract out won't know the ins and outs of their business and how certain processes and people work. I know that it isn't my concern anymore. I know that I was let go and that it is their discretion as to how that role and the tasks associated are handled, but I can't help that I care about the well-being of the company, the events and the people I worked with. I made it too personal, but I loved my job and I made friends and, to me, that MAKES it personal.

Anyway, I'm sad about the situation, but I can't change what has happened and can only push forward and be the ambitious little shit that I am. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, right? C'est la vie and all that junk, right?

I'll be spending the next week or so updating my resume and taking a chill pill or eight, but then it's go time.

Unemployment never felt like the bottom of the bottle to me, and I won't let it get me down, but the bottom of a bottle of wine does sound pretty damn good right now.

That being said... I'll write to you crazy cats later.

Since last I wrote...

I have kept my promise and am currently in a Not-A-Cat-Lady state of being.

I have also...

• Gotten fired from Big Girl Job #1.
• Gotten hired at a start-up company for Big Girl Job #2.
• Bought my first NEW CAR.
• Come to the realization that the United States healthcare system is insane and that I am an expensive person to keep alive.
• Moved in with my boyfriend of almost two years.
• Traveled for work for the first time.
• Started a balcony garden (whoop-te-do, right?)
• Regretted things.
• Lost things.
• Found things.
• Disconnected.
• Reconnected.
• Come to grips with certain aspects of ME (My name is Megan, and I am a diabetic).
• Started half-assedly trying to budget my finances (Is this real life? How long do I have to do this?).
• Rode a jet ski for the first time in years.
• Drove a moped for the first time ever.
• Decided to buy my own moped (this is forthcoming; don't tell my parents).
• Continued being a sarcastic brat with a penchant for the occasional Drink-a-Bottle-of-Wine-By-Myself nights.

So, life has been busy. I told myself that I would start blogging again since I actually have the time and the mental capacity to do it, but I've rewritten much of this post about eighty thousand times and am not sure if my writing voice is the way I want it to be. However, upon reflection (oooh, how deep), I think that's part of being a person who writes. Or, as a matter of fact (or opinion, whatever), that's just a part of being a person in general. Aren't we all constantly wondering if we convey ourselves the way we want to? I wonder all the time whether people understand what I mean when I open my mouth and all the word vomit just spews out.

I think I have a mind-to-mouth filter problem. Meaning: there is no filter. Mind you, I've actually been working on this. I recognized earlier this year that while I don't necessarily have an anger issue, I certainly have an issue with choosing my battles. And while this doesn't solely apply to my work life, let's just say that no job is ever 100 percent perfection and that never in your life are you going to get along with each and every one of the people you work with.

It's a shame that I am starting off talking poorly about something that I'm actually very happy with. I do love my job. I do love the company I work for. I do love (most of) the people I work with and for. However, as I mentioned above, no job is perfect, no work relationship is perfect, and no matter how much you adore what you do, things.go.wrong. It's just a fact of life (read: work). The reality is that there is much more to this than I have room for right now. I'll expand at a later time.

I think I want to start writing about self-reflection. Not in a spiritual way or in a Rent-A-Van-And-Explore-The-Country-With-$20-In-My-Pocket way, but a realistic way. I want to look at myself through others' eyes and then again through my own. Really, I don't know what I think of myself most days, and it will be nice and probably enlightening to look at me from a different perspective than the one I get with a mirror (or, let's be honest, a selfie god I hate that word).

Soon, y'all.

I solemnly swear not to become a cat lady...

But seriously, my new cat is awesome.

He's chilling here in my lap and playing with my hair while I watch a movie and catch up on all the social media that I've been avoiding for the past week. So much is going on in the world that I just felt like it was time to put the computer down for a few days and ignore everything but what's going on in my own life. It was necessary and very refreshing to feel a little bit disconnected.

And so life is going on. Full-time job, awful commute, slowly saving up money.
New kitty cat, moving out soon, my best friend's wedding in May.
New friends, boyfriend.

Life is just going on.

Days Like These.

And then there are days like these when my eyes can’t seem to focus, my skin seems electrified and I can almost feel your fingers winding and twisting through my hair even though you are not standing there with me.

And then there are days like these when my nose ignores anything but the familiar smell of your skin, my ears are filled with the tiniest of sounds and my brain is buzzing with thoughts that I can barely call my own. My senses seem amplified.

And then there are days like these when my hands are constantly shaking, my legs can’t support the weight of my body because they have turned to jelly and my heart is pounding and running on pure adrenaline.

There are days like these when I can stop and close my eyes, and all I can see on the dark inside of my eyelids is the curve of your cheek, the sharp line of your jaw, that perfect pose you have when you are waiting for me on the bed.

There are days like these when I realize that you belong to me, if only for a little while.

Until that day when the sun runs out of our love and your heart turns cold to me, I will cherish and savor days like these.