10/7/2014

I had a dream last night that I was nominated for and accepted to be on one of those makeover reality TV shows.

If you're unfamiliar with what I'm talking about, these shows operate something like this... A person has what some people might like to refer to as "bad taste in clothing" (this can translate to "wears her daughter's clothes", "wears ill-fitting clothes" and "wears outdated clothes"). As a result of the individual's bad taste, a close friend or relative - or combination thereof - will nominate this person to get a "charitable" makeover by a TV show. In some way, shape or form, the relatives/friends gather video footage of the person's indiscretions. They will then use this video footage to essentially shame the person into accepting what is supposed to be a kind gesture.

"Let us fix you."

Cue resistance and restrictions and unwanted fashion guidance. The episode ends with the ultimate reveal. The individual walks out from behind a curtain, the audience gasps, you see before and after pictures. Tears, happy story, the husband can have sex with this woman again, blablabla.

In my dream, I'm at work and getting ready to give a presentation to clients in a conference room. The people from the TV show burst in, hand out a few gift bags to my associates, and then begin the shaming process. Among various other pieces of "found footage" of me looking like I woke up on the wrong side of my coffee in the morning, they used video of the day I was let go from my job. I was so kindly described by a person who claimed to be my friend and the lady with too much makeup on that hosted the show. "Chubby", "post-breakup face", "Is that a bagel you're eating? With CREAM CHEESE?!", "drab", "You have such potential", "We already have some ideas for your new looks".

And that was it.

If that's not an absolutely CRUEL subconscious self evaluation, I'm not really sure what else to call it.



Side note: I won't bother titling my posts anymore. I'm honestly not that creative.

Since last I wrote... (vol2)

• Got fired from Big Girl Job #2.

I gotta be honest. I'm really not taking this as well as I should be. But...

I. Loved. That. Job.

The short of it is that "[They] can't afford to keep someone in [my] position full-time. [They] feel that [my] skills are being far underutilized and that [I] would be better off at another job where [my] skills have room to grow."

Here's what you need to know about where I was working. It is a start-up media company that has shifted focus from its own events to the planning, management and organization of events hosted, owned and sponsored by other institutions, organizations and companies. My role as a Conference Coordinator there included quite a large amount of work, and as time progressed, I realized that I was busier closer to showtime than I was a few months prior to an event.

I understand their reasoning for letting me go. For them, it makes sense both financially and for the organization. Easily, they can contract that work out for far less money.

My concern is based around a number of things...

1. I was with the company just over a year. When I first started out, I was Director of Content Development (meaning that I wrote articles, coordinated articles with freelance and contributing writers, developed website content, etc. etc.). This role is editorial-based, but once the Show Management part of the company started filling in, we realized that that part of my job needed to be put on a back-burner so that I could help our Director of Conferences with her workflow. Because of being let go and because of the transition from Director of Content Development to Conference Coordinator, I have far less experience in both areas of work. Once I started in my Conference Coordinator role and was working closely with my supervisor, I realized how stimulating the Show Management side of the business was and made a tentative decision that I would continue this work whether I left the company at some point in the future or not. I now only have roughly nine months of experience with Show Management work under my belt. The problem I see here is that those skills that were being underutilized are going to continue being underutilized in another company if I want to continue the type of work I had become interested in. I will end up doing the exact same things I was doing, just in a different office and under the supervision of a different person. But hey. At least they'll be able to afford me....right?
2. I'm concerned that the person/persons who the company will contract out won't know the ins and outs of their business and how certain processes and people work. I know that it isn't my concern anymore. I know that I was let go and that it is their discretion as to how that role and the tasks associated are handled, but I can't help that I care about the well-being of the company, the events and the people I worked with. I made it too personal, but I loved my job and I made friends and, to me, that MAKES it personal.

Anyway, I'm sad about the situation, but I can't change what has happened and can only push forward and be the ambitious little shit that I am. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, right? C'est la vie and all that junk, right?

I'll be spending the next week or so updating my resume and taking a chill pill or eight, but then it's go time.

Unemployment never felt like the bottom of the bottle to me, and I won't let it get me down, but the bottom of a bottle of wine does sound pretty damn good right now.

That being said... I'll write to you crazy cats later.

Since last I wrote...

I have kept my promise and am currently in a Not-A-Cat-Lady state of being.

I have also...

• Gotten fired from Big Girl Job #1.
• Gotten hired at a start-up company for Big Girl Job #2.
• Bought my first NEW CAR.
• Come to the realization that the United States healthcare system is insane and that I am an expensive person to keep alive.
• Moved in with my boyfriend of almost two years.
• Traveled for work for the first time.
• Started a balcony garden (whoop-te-do, right?)
• Regretted things.
• Lost things.
• Found things.
• Disconnected.
• Reconnected.
• Come to grips with certain aspects of ME (My name is Megan, and I am a diabetic).
• Started half-assedly trying to budget my finances (Is this real life? How long do I have to do this?).
• Rode a jet ski for the first time in years.
• Drove a moped for the first time ever.
• Decided to buy my own moped (this is forthcoming; don't tell my parents).
• Continued being a sarcastic brat with a penchant for the occasional Drink-a-Bottle-of-Wine-By-Myself nights.

So, life has been busy. I told myself that I would start blogging again since I actually have the time and the mental capacity to do it, but I've rewritten much of this post about eighty thousand times and am not sure if my writing voice is the way I want it to be. However, upon reflection (oooh, how deep), I think that's part of being a person who writes. Or, as a matter of fact (or opinion, whatever), that's just a part of being a person in general. Aren't we all constantly wondering if we convey ourselves the way we want to? I wonder all the time whether people understand what I mean when I open my mouth and all the word vomit just spews out.

I think I have a mind-to-mouth filter problem. Meaning: there is no filter. Mind you, I've actually been working on this. I recognized earlier this year that while I don't necessarily have an anger issue, I certainly have an issue with choosing my battles. And while this doesn't solely apply to my work life, let's just say that no job is ever 100 percent perfection and that never in your life are you going to get along with each and every one of the people you work with.

It's a shame that I am starting off talking poorly about something that I'm actually very happy with. I do love my job. I do love the company I work for. I do love (most of) the people I work with and for. However, as I mentioned above, no job is perfect, no work relationship is perfect, and no matter how much you adore what you do, things.go.wrong. It's just a fact of life (read: work). The reality is that there is much more to this than I have room for right now. I'll expand at a later time.

I think I want to start writing about self-reflection. Not in a spiritual way or in a Rent-A-Van-And-Explore-The-Country-With-$20-In-My-Pocket way, but a realistic way. I want to look at myself through others' eyes and then again through my own. Really, I don't know what I think of myself most days, and it will be nice and probably enlightening to look at me from a different perspective than the one I get with a mirror (or, let's be honest, a selfie god I hate that word).

Soon, y'all.

I solemnly swear not to become a cat lady...

But seriously, my new cat is awesome.

He's chilling here in my lap and playing with my hair while I watch a movie and catch up on all the social media that I've been avoiding for the past week. So much is going on in the world that I just felt like it was time to put the computer down for a few days and ignore everything but what's going on in my own life. It was necessary and very refreshing to feel a little bit disconnected.

And so life is going on. Full-time job, awful commute, slowly saving up money.
New kitty cat, moving out soon, my best friend's wedding in May.
New friends, boyfriend.

Life is just going on.

Days Like These.

And then there are days like these when my eyes can’t seem to focus, my skin seems electrified and I can almost feel your fingers winding and twisting through my hair even though you are not standing there with me.

And then there are days like these when my nose ignores anything but the familiar smell of your skin, my ears are filled with the tiniest of sounds and my brain is buzzing with thoughts that I can barely call my own. My senses seem amplified.

And then there are days like these when my hands are constantly shaking, my legs can’t support the weight of my body because they have turned to jelly and my heart is pounding and running on pure adrenaline.

There are days like these when I can stop and close my eyes, and all I can see on the dark inside of my eyelids is the curve of your cheek, the sharp line of your jaw, that perfect pose you have when you are waiting for me on the bed.

There are days like these when I realize that you belong to me, if only for a little while.

Until that day when the sun runs out of our love and your heart turns cold to me, I will cherish and savor days like these.

Warning: A rant follows.

I'm really sick and tired of people making empty promises then bitching about the consequences of not going through with them.

You know what? If all of your problems happen while you're drunk, then stop drinking to get drunk.

If you keep getting pregnant? Invest in birth control or stop having sex with guys who don't want to wrap it up.

Having money problems? Get a job, get a better job, stop buying Louis Vuitton handbags.

Hate the city you live in? Find another city.

Keep failing classes? STOP FAILING CLASSES.

There are simple solutions to simple problems. If you take responsibility for your actions, keep consistent and don't cry wolf all the time, your life can be a damn dream. I'm just exhausted by the fact that people have issues that they convince themselves they can't fix. I'm ALSO exhausted by the fact that my friends who do this (all. the. time.) expect me to fix it for them.

In the past, this has definitely been the case. I don't mind helping people when they need it. It's my MO. I hate it when people aren't happy, but I'm also to the point where I don't want to be held responsible for everyone's happiness. 

All in all, I guess I'm just saying to nut up and shut the hell up.

I have nothing profound to say right now, so here's a poem I love

Didn’t I stand there once,   

white-knuckled, gripping the just-lit taper,   

swearing I’d never go back?   

And hadn’t you kissed the rain from my mouth?   

And weren’t we gentle and awed and afraid,   

knowing we’d stepped from the room of desire   

into the further room of love?   

And wasn’t it sacred, the sweetness   

we licked from each other’s hands?   

And were we not lovely, then, were we not   

as lovely as thunder, and damp grass, and flame?

Narcissus

by Cecilia Woloch

Welcome home, outcasts, because I know how you have felt over the years.

Goodness, how time passes.

Do you ever really and truly stop to realize why your life seems to graze past you like a cat in the night? If you don't catch yourself, you might just trip over it.

Thankfully, that hasn't been the case for me over the past couple of months. If I recall correctly (and honestly, I don't care to put the effort in to finding out), I haven't updated my little speckling of readers on quite a lot of the things that have happened since the year started off.

There is so much to say, good grief. Where do I even begin?

I'm going to start with...work. Because it's easily the most fulfilling thing that has happened to me since January (when I last updated, holy cheese)....but I'm not going to go into all the "dramatic" details or whatever. You know what? I'm just going to make a simple timeline. I guess I need to ease myself back into telling the world my opinions (hahahahaha like that ever stops).

1. Got a seasonal job with the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo in January and worked daily during the actual rodeo.
2. Did a nanny job for a little over a month and a half for a woman who works with my dad. Two kids, 2 and 4, for a few hours a day during the week.
3. I GOT A REAL JOB. As of three weeks ago today, I became a PR assistant at Foster Marketing. Foster is a marketing and PR firm that caters to companies in the oil, gas and energy markets. I write, I edit, I help as much as I possibly can. While my position is currently part time, it is (pretty much, anyway) guaranteed to become full time within the next couple of months.

It's so exciting that I can actually say that I'm employed and that I'm working for a company that has a future for me. I was really starting to exhaust myself, holding my hopes out for these jobs which seemed ideal, with companies that seemed exciting. But Foster pretty much dropped into my lap, and I couldn't be happier in the position I'm in right now. I'm so lucky to have found a job where my work is appreciated and NEEDED. I think that's something that was really bringing me down for a while there. I felt so negative about my place in a career because I felt unnecessary and...extraneous.

The group of people I'm working with are pretty spectacular. Between all the staff meetings and projects, they find time to catch up on each other's personal lives (sounds invasive, but it's nice to have people legitimately interested in your home life, even if you don't have much to say about it).

Other than work, nothing much is going on. I've been traveling a bit, but not very far from home as my funds don't really allow for long trips.

Life is...good. Not complete (but really, when is life ever actually complete?), but good.

I promise I will update more regularly. I can't promise that what I post will be particularly interesting, but whatever.

Peace and love, y'all. And biscuits. Because biscuits are delicious and everyone loves biscuits.

So let's give it up for the new year...

2012 has arrived as of yesterday morning. I have to say that I've done quite a bit of reflecting in the past couple of days (really, though, who doesn't when the year turns from one to the next), and I've decided on a few things.

I vow to treat myself with as much respect as possible. This itty bitty new year's resolution applies to many different areas of my life. Besides my health, it includes surrounding myself with people who make me feel like life isn't a metaphorical boxing ring. I shouldn't be going about thinking that I need to one up someone else. I shouldn't be betting on my odds in love or careers. I should be happy about my own accomplishments and about others. While I should listen to and appreciate other people's opinions and beliefs, I shouldn't wrap my entire being and thoughts about success and happiness around them. I should value my own more than I have in previous years. I vow to find my dreams and go after them. I vow to appreciate my own talents and skills in certain areas of my life. I also vow to paint my nails a different color every week. Certainly, there are more things I vow to do, but these are the most important.

Day 23

Day 24

Day 25

Day 26

Day 27

Day 28

Day 29

Day 30

Day 31

By now, you should have probably noticed that I didn't take a picture a day, nor did I post a picture a day. Regardless, all of these are new pictures, and I am very proud of them.

So...y'know, screw off.

:D Much love and a happy new year to you all!

All I want for you to be is happy, or something.

I should have known that I wouldn't keep up with this. Although I haven't been posting daily or every other day as I had originally planned, I have actually been taking quite a few pictures. I think I'm coming into a certain style of photography that I never really expected to be at least mildly good at. Most of my photos nowadays are darker and a bit more simplistic. I love motion and detail and shadows. I love how the light coming in through the window can be a different shade on different slats on the blinds (as seen in Day 9 picture). Anyway, here are a few more of my December pictures. I'll update sooner (I hope) rather than later with more.

Day 9

Day 10

Day 11

Day 12

Day 13

Day 14

Day 15

Day 16

Day 17

Day 18

Day 19

Day 20

Day 21

Day 22

At night your body is a symphony.

...Whoops.

Day 5

Day 6

Day 7

Day 8

If I Never See Your Face Again, I Don't Mind.

Oh, screw it. I think I'm going to upload all of my December pictures two at a time. It'll be easier to do and it will make tricking you into thinking that I'm actually taking a picture every day easier. Just kidding...kind of.

Day 3

Day 4

A Kiss With a Fist is Better Than None.

Welp, the December photo challenge is already under way. This month, instead of taking pictures of 26 different themes/ideas/concepts/subjects, participants have been asked to take a photo a day. I don't expect that I'll get too frustrated with the project, but here's to hoping that I can keep my stride up with interesting subjects. I like this kind of project because you are free to choose your subjects at random; you don't have to choose them based on an idea and whatnot.

I'm well aware that I didn't post a picture for yesterday, so I'm going to double it up today and try to keep up the one-a-day pace for the remainder of the month (we'll see, though, since it IS December, and that means I will be super busy the whole month).

And now... Pictures.

December 1st.

December 2nd

Heard songs are sweet, but unheard songs are sweeter.

Okay, 26 Things was a bitch to finish up, and I didn't even get to finish it all! Admittedly, I dipped into my older photos. I guess my capacity for inspiration just wasn't up to par this month. Hopefully, this will change with the December 26 Things challenge. I did edit a few of the photos, mostly just color saturation to bring focus to specific things. That being said, here are my submissions (they are all out of order because I uploaded them out of order...whoops).

1. Dark
2. Glow
3. Smile
4. Weather
5. New
6. Round
7. Tangle
8. Up in the air
9. Patterns
10. Tomorrow
11. Eyes
12. A sign
13. A Self Portrait

Self Portrait

Dark

Dark

Glow

New

Smile

Smile

New

A Sign

Patterns

Tomorrow

Up In The Air

Weather

Weather

Round

Eyes

Round

Self Portrait

A Sign

Glow

Tangle

Tangle

Up In The Air

Tomorrow

Eyes